VIP Society?????

I happened to be sitting in my truck today outside of Lowes waiting for my husband to come out.. As I sat there smoking my cigarettes and listening to my music I couldn't help but notice all these people who were either driving while on their cell phone or walking while talking on their cell phones, those who came out of Lowes and the first thing they did was grab the cell and make a call and those who continued their cell call until they hit the front door of Lowes and then stood right outside the door while they finished their call..
Can some one PLEASE tell me WHEN we all became SO IMPORTANT that we need to have a cell phone attached to our ear no matter where we go? Do these people even realize what self important asses they make themselves look like by talking on their cell phones in public or driving? Are they that important ? Oh and those stupid looking ear pieces.. You gotta LOVE those ego maniacs who walk around with an ear piece in their ear talking to some one through it..
What would they do if some one took their phones away or made it illegal to use a phone in pubic places and if it were illegal in ALL states to use a cell phone while driving? Would they all need Cell Phones Annonymous!??! Hmm, there's a thought. I'd be a millionair in less than a year.
Now Im not completely anti cell phone. I own one, my husband owns one but I HATE when some one calls me on it while I'm out "just to say hello" so I'v ebeen finding myself turning it off while I'm in public. I am not so self important that it can't wait till I get home... and these teenagers with these phones are even more rediculous.. They use the internet on their phones, they send pictures on their phones, they send text messages on their phones and the cell phone companies are making billions on all this needless jibberish. Whats really rich is when the parents of these teens then complaine about the kids monthly cell phone bill.. Well gee stupid, then don't buy them these needless services.
What would these kids do if they had to do the things I did and all generations before my did when we went out.. We actually had to take a DIME with us to use the PAYPHONE if we wanted to make a call and yaknow what? It WORKED!.. It also gave us more excuses for coming home late.
So I guess to sum it all up, Unless you have some dire emergency that you need to talk on your cell phone while driving or in a public place, you might want to take a good look at yourself if you're just "self importance chatting in public" or when you're using your nerdy looking ear piece, truth is, you look like an ass and guess what? You're not THAT important.

Dell Update!!!

Well the time has come that I must update my Dell hell experience and I am happy to report that after all we have been through I did receive a response back from some one at Dell Headquaters in Texas and YES she was AMERICAN and a very nice woman if you can believe that.. She apologized profusely about what we had experienced and she took good care of my husband as far as discounts go. Although it never should have gotten to this point to begin with and what we went through has left a bad taste in my mouth for Dell products now, I can and will commend the woman from headquaters for finally handeling this and satisfying us as far as price goes which reflects everything we were uneccesarily put through. I also want to thank the Dell Advocate who posted on my blog here and offered help. I can only hope that in the VERY near future Dell customer care will get back to the top standard it used too be..

Draft Be Gone

OK, so Senator Rangle wants to reinstate the draft? Yep, just another slimey politician trying to pull a fast one on the little guy. He seems to feel that if the draft were reinstated we never would have gone into Iraq because those in governement wouldn't have wanted to send thier own kids in.. Who the hell is he trying to kid? Even if the draft WAS in place at the start of the War in Iraq kids who belong to politicians STILL wouldn't have gone. The price to be able to not too go off to war would be bought and paid for. None of them would see a day in Iraq or any other war for that matter unless they voluntarily went and lemme tell ya, with the way parents raise their kids today thats not likely to happen.
If the draft is reinstated once again mostly the little mans kids and the poor will be the ones headed off to war. They are the ones who will sacrfice and die like they have always done and all for a government who doesn't care a rats ass about it's own people. Doesn't make one too ambitious to join the military does it? Who could blame them. Maybe when our government start worrying about its OWN people and I mean ALL of it's OWN people then the little people of this country, yaknow the ones who make this country move on a daily basis, maybe then we will want to help our government but until then? Don't hold your breath.

Welcome to Hell by way of DELL.

In Sept, on the 11th of all days my husband sat down and orderd a brand new DELL XPS system. The rep on the phone basically promised him it would do everything except get up and walk to the refrigerator. We placed the order and waited.. and waited... and waited... and waited.. We were originally told that the new system would be delivered within 2 weeks. THREE weeks later we were STILL waiting. After numerous phone calls to Dell tech support where we talked to everyone except Ghandi we were still no where further than when we picked up the phone. Largely due to the fact that these reps don't have a the slightest command on the ENGLISH LANGUAGE.

October 11th our new XPS system had arrived. Three days later it was packed up and sent back. Why you ask? It did NOTHING of what we were told it would do. Dell hell reps even used the Dell Connect and couldn't figure out what was wrong. We figured, OK, no problem they'll just replace it... WRONG!....Now we had to deal with Dell Finance. What a disaster. They made my husband wait almost a MONTH before they would credit his account and in the meantime they were calling me demanding payment on a computer I had allready sent back! My husband was on the phone almost daily with Dell nitwits in what they call "customer care"..If our health care here in the US which is a pretty big mess was anything like what Dell deems "customer care" a large majority of us would be dead. Every day some other habib was calling me at home and "updating" me on what was going on with the returned computer. Only problem with that is each time one of them called they had something different to say than the one before them. It got to the point I turned my cell phone off..

Throughout these phones calls over almost a months time my husband was lied too and decieved. They also promised him he would still recieve the 18 months no interest plan because it was not his fault that the original system was defective....WRONG!.. Once they got this entire mess straightened out which mind you was over a MONTH later they outright REFUSED to make good on their promises. Then one of these non speaking english people told him they would give him $100 off the new system for all his aggrivation.... WRONG AGAIN.... Some bitch named Cindy from "Dells corporate office" calls my husband one day and tells him there is no way they are going to give him the discount promised.

Finally, we were put intouch with some woman named Ana in El Salvador! who was able to get to the bottom of this whole mess and here we are November 19th and the new replacement system has been delivered. Great right? WRONG.... The system is here but NO MONITOR!...

This morning, on a Sunday mind you I get a phone call from this same bitch named Cindy claiming to be from Dells corporate headquaters to tell me that my husbands account will now be credited the extra $100.00. So I said OK, and she hesitates like she couldn't even understand the phrase OK.. Mind you I could barely make out what she was saying because her english sounds like chineese. As I am hanging up my phone I began yelling at my dogs rather loudy in profane language because they are all acting up and I am ending the call on my cell phone at the same time. This bitch has the balls to call me back THREE TIMES! I missed the first 2 as I was in the kitchen. One the third call I answer and she tells me how I have no right to talk to her that way blah blah and I completely went off on here.. Number she was TOTALLY wrong. My comments were towards my dogs in my OWN PERSONAL HOME and she just happened to hear them as I was hanging up..I dont' know WHO in the hell this immigrant bitch thinks she is but this is not over.

Now comes the fun part... Try contacting Michael Dell or any of the top people at Dell corporate and you'd do better in contacting the POPE.. I mean it's completely REDICULOUS how these people are SO out of touch with their customers. The internet is FLOODED with unhappy Dell customers and Mr Dell would do nicely to remember that he wouldn't live in a multi million dollar home if it were not for all us LITTLE people who MADE his company what it is today..I was able to locate an email address for him and I fired off a letter. I was also able to locate an address for Dell Headquaters in Texas which I will be sending letters to tomorrow. I don't know how good these addresses are but atleast the email I sent thinking it's Michael Dell didn't bounce back with a MailerDemon. From what I have read on the net, letters sent to the Headquaters in Texas are read. I don't know how true that is but it doesn't hurt to send your letter of complaint.

For anyone else having trouble with Dell I urge you to contact the Texas State Attorney Generals office and file a complaint as well as the BBB in the county they are located. I will post these addresses for Dell at the end of my post.

In the future when I purchase new desktops or laptops I can assure it will NOT be a Dell brand computer. And for those of you out there who aren't aware.. The HIGHLY overpriced AlienWare computers are in fact nothing more than DELL's. I sincerely hope that in the coming months Dell takes a HUGE hit financially due to the lack of care they actually give to their customers. Maybe then those who run this crackerjack company will wake up..

So my advice to you when it comes to Dell, if you're considering buying a Dell for the "superior customer support" I say a very big BUYER BEWARE to you.

Email for Michael Dell : Michael_Dell@dell.com (not sure if this is still good)

Dell Headquaters

Michael Dell

c/o Dell Computer Corporation

1 Dell WayRound Rock,

TX 78682-0001

Mr. Kevin B. Rollins

President and CEO Dell Computers

One Dell Way Round Rock ,

TX 78682

INSIDE MY HEAD

It's a Saturday evening and Im sitting here in my bedroom on my bed listening to the new CD Lou bought me last week from one my favorite animated movies, The Prince Of Egypt.It hasn't been one of my better days today, then again none of the days over the last month have really been good days for me. The difficulty in swallowing that I've had over the last month or so has begun renting more space in my mind than I would rather allow it too. Nothing has changed, except I've lost more weight from the poor diet I've been forced into and Im still hungry all the time. I get scared when I think about it too much because I am afraid I will die either by choking to death on something or from malnutrition. I've become fearful of getting on the scale so much so that now when I need to use the bathroom I don't even look towards that portion of the room anymore. I think if I were to get on it and see that I have dropped below 100 pds I may pass out at the sight.I also don't look too deeply into the mirror anymore either, afraid I will see that gaunt, skinny, pale sickly looking face staring back at me that I thought I had sent packing over 2 yrs ago. Who knew there would be a sequel to this lousy horror movie..Many times I wonder how much more this little body of mine can handle. It's been sick everyday , in some way for almost 15 years now. I was 20 yrs old when this nightmare began and it hasn't let up since. I turned 35 this past April, an age I didn't think I'd see.Some days I am really scared I will die not in 20 or 30 yrs but right now. That's when I try and remind myself that in reality we are all dying from the day we are born. Some of us sooner than others and faster than others but we all are in some fashion. I keep trying to tell myself that some of us only get a short stay here and while this all sounds good it doesn't do much to quell my fear.When I have a day like today, which has been most days lately I struggle very hard to hang onto my faith. Almost like Im fighting tooth and nail for it. I try and remind myself that even though what Im going through is so very hard for me I'm not alone. Jesus is carrying me through this but at the same time I want to scream , well if HE is with me then where is HE!!!! Why doesn't he take this affliction from me!! Why is he allowing me to continue to suffer!! Why can't he give me some good years of my adult hood to enjoy since they have ALL been spent sick and suffering in some form of illness!!.My next thoughts frighten me because they go something like this.What if there is no God? What if for our whole lives we've been lead to believe in something and someone that never existed? What if, scientists who say we, human beings that is are made from nothing more than molecules etc from the universe and there is no "supreme being" who created us, what if they are right? What if those who say there is no heaven, that when we die we simply cease to exist, we are simply, no more. What if they're right?In that line of thinking I then have to wonder , if there is a God why does he allow such horrible things to happen? Why does HE allow the sick to continue to suffer in illness? Why does HE allow those starving to continue to starve to death? Why does HE allow the persecuted to continue to be persecuted? Why does HE allow the innocent ones to be murdered and abused and forgotten about? Why then if HE does exist doesn't he step in and stop these things? I have been told it is because God gave all humans free will and I supposed I can understand this to a point but does that mean, God creates us, we are born and then HE cuts us loose to fend for ourselves in such an ugly world as we live in today?I am then told we have a loving God... Confusing isn't it?So even though I feel guilty as hell for even questioning God's existence, I am also terrorfied to believe that. I think, if I honestly believed that in my heart I could not make another day in this life. I want to believe that my Lord my God is real and that when it is my time to "go home" I will be rewarded by my Lord by His allowing me to be with him and my parents that I miss each and every day more and more.I think that's enough for this subject tonight. The space in my head is getting awfully crowded. I think it's time I evicted these current renters as I need space for new tenants that will surely show up.

THE WOMAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH

On Monday the 15th I had an appointment to see my GI doctor again. I knew this was going to be a no big deal appointment but it was one I had to be there for..Course when I woke up Monday morning the last thing I felt like doing was dragging my tired ass into the shower because I have this whole routine I need to go through. It's not just the showering, that I can handle it's all the other garbage I must do afterwards.. I 've learned that because of my lack of energy the best way to do things is quick and simple so before I get into the shower I make sure I do all my shaving first out of the sink and then this way it only takes me 5 mins or less in the shower to get washed up and wash my hair and then I'm out.Sooo, I dragged my butt into the shower praying to the shower gods that I would not fall over or loose my balance when I closed my eyes to rinse my hair and that day they must have been listening because I made it through with no real drama. Once out of the shower now standing in my bedroom freezing my ass off with a towel wrapped around me I quickly dried myself off and got into my clothes and sat down on my bed staring at the blow dryer and hair iron just taunting me knowing that if I intended to keep this appointment it was inevitable that I would have to spend an hour doing my hair and wincing through the arm pain it was obviously going cause me as it always does...Ah made it through hair was now picture perfect and it was on to my makeup.. You see, Lyme disease has taken so much from me that I have this thing about looking my best when I am going to have to go out and be a social butterfly. Atleast I can look good even if I feel like hell on the inside.130 pm rolled around awefully quick and even though I knew I had to be at my appointment by 2 there I was laying in bed all gussied up and all I wanted to do was roll over and go to sleep, but with all the energy I could muster and believe me it wasn't a lot I dragged my butt out of bed and into the car that my husband had so nicely driven across the lawn and had waiting at the bottom of the front steps for me.I dreaded going to this appoinment because my GI doc is also a surgeon and only holds office hours a few times a week and his waiting room is usually so packed full of people it's like trying to stuff 25 pds of dung into a 10 pd bag and the way I was feeling on this day I was in no mood to be sitting there with people yackin away, this one coughing, that one spitting germs all over the room and all the while listening to the blonde dingbat with that godforsaken southern drawl accent, (yaknow the kind ya wanna walk up behind them and smack her in the head so she'll spit out) behind the desk try and and figure out how to make an appointment for a new client.Upon my arrival I was surprised to see there was NOONE in the waiting room cept me and my husband. I wasn't sure if this was a good or bad thing. After a few minutes of standing at the desk waiting to sign in because the blonde dingbat was on the phone as usual and you know she can't walk and chew gum at the same time so was just standing there waiting waiting and waiting for her to put the damn sign in sheet on the desk so I could scribble my name on the line and finally sit down. After about 5 mins of waiting my legs were calling her names that my brain didn't even know existed I said screw it and sat down.. Now you know the minute I sat down , dingy got off the phone and I'll be damned, up went the sign in sheet for people to put their john Hancock on. So I slowly swankered my way over to the desk and signed in.About 10 mins of sitting in these horribly uncomfy chairs dingy at the desk said Doc X wasn't busy and he was waiting for me. So I thought, oh good this should be quick and then I can get outta here. Off to the examination room we went.. And there we sat and sat and sat and I thought to myself, he's waiting for me? Geez I hope this guy isn't this slow in bed or I'll have to send his wife a sympathy card.. Finally after about 30 mins just sitting there, drinking water so that now my bladder is so full it wants to burst in walks Dr X.He extends his hand to me and says "how are you today?" What I really wanted to say was, well since waiting here for almost 40 mins for you to show up because "you were ready for me" I'm just *&%$$ing peachy, my legs are killin me, my head is pounding, my body hurts and my bladder wants to let loose all over your damn table!! But, I was kind and said oh just wonderful and how are you? ( Im so glad my mom brought me up right but there are times I want to act as of I had been brought up by a pack of wolves and this was one of those times)He then goes on to inform me that all the biopsies taken from my stomach etc were normal and that I can't swallow properly due to the inflammation from the heartburn and my hiatal hernia. So in all my wisdom I ask about fixing the hernia and his response is " I'm not too crazy about fixing it because there is a good chance I could make you worse" Now Im starting to think to myself, hmm he could make me worse or the procedure could make me worse and this is a man I let knock me out into another universe and not only stick a tube down my throat into my small intestine but also clip pieces of my organs off as well and he is worried HE could make me worse? So then I thought, worse? Good LORD how much worse can this get but I didn't even want to ask so I didn't.So I shot him a look as if to say, so you're telling me then that this is it for me? I am to eat like a newborn baby for the rest of my life?He then went on to suggest medications one of which I looked at him and said umm, no I don't think I'll be taking that one it's too dangerous. His response was it's an old and well known medication and it would be safe.. Well , the woman who knew too much just couldn't keep her mouth shut so I intervened and stated, Right, old and well know and safe and DID YOU KNOW that this medication causes Parkinson like symptoms? And DID YOU KNOW that this medication can cause a permanent syndrome where your limbs have spastic movement? And DID YOU KNOW that it can cause BREAST GROWTH IN MALES? Would you like to take some? Course he then informed me he has never heard of any of these things before and has never read anything like that to which I responded well dear Dr X I know some people online who are very well versed in these drugs etc and I will send you all the information you need. The subject of that drug was quickly dropped.He then went on to suggest I take a HEART medication to help my ESOPHAGUS move food through better. At this point I wasn't able to listen to much he had to say because my brain was trying to make a link between heart meds for my esophagus?!?! Needless to say my brain could NOT make the connection so I unintentionally ( or intentionally? Not sure yet) blurted out.. Ok so you want to put me on a medication for the heart to help my esophagus work better and when the heart med drops my already LOW blood pressure and I pass out on the floor while trying to get food down my throat and then choke to death what kind of med will you try next? I then quickly dismissed this conversation but at the same time I so badly wanted to ask him well then should I take a hemorrhoid pill for the corn on the bottom of my left foot but I couldn't bring myself to do it.I was then told that I would be adding another acid blocker to the one I'm already on as well as an ativan a day to see if the esophageal spasms would calm down that way. The ativan a day hmm this could be fun being more dizzy and looped out than I already am my husband will then have all the proof he needs to prove he's married to a certifiable nut. Course he's expected this all along but now this will give him the fuel for his fire.DR. X wants to try this regimen for the next 4 weeks and then his suggestion is to stick a small probing tube down my throat for 24 hours and measure the amount of acid in my stomach.. He really thinks he's going to take a tube, shove it up my nose and then down my throat into my stomach and then leave it there for 24 hours. Boy, he is hopeful isn't he? I sure in hell don't need a tube to tell how much acid I have. If I were a fire breathing dragon I could set the city of Chicago on fire in one burp.He then suggested also having a second tube shoved up my nose and down my throat to measure the pressure of my already non properly functioning LES muscle ( for those who don't understand that's the muscle that closes off your tummy from your esophagus and when it doesn't work you end up with GERD and heart burn etc). ALL of this so that he can then tell me whether or not he thinks surgery is a good idea and also too keep me on the SAME pills I'm already on...So basically what he is suggesting is I should put myself through the hell of having foreign tubes invading my nose and body so he can tell me what we already know? I sure picked the wrong profession to be in when I was able to work.At the close of my appointment I thanked Dr.X for his time and noted I would be sending a bill for my waiting time, course I was very nice and said it in a joking manner but deep inside I wanted to slap him with a $50 dollar waiting time bill that included late fees for any bill not paid within 30 days.. As I was leaving the office complex I couldn't help but feel I had just been labed the woman who knew too much.

LOSS OF A MOTHER

I lost my mother in August of 1999. She was 56 years young and was taken from us by Pancreatic Cancer. The whole 18 months, 12 of which we had no idea what was making her so ill went so fast it was like a whirlwind. We went from going to every doctor imaginable, going through tons of testing, from thinking it's got to be some kind of virus or condition they're just not finding and when they do all will be well. This all started for my mom in 1998. I had gotten married in Oct of that year but my mom was sick and so I decided we wouldn't have a wedding reception until she was well enough to attend. Because, "Ofcourse" they were going to find out what it was and fix it. In Feb of of 1999 mom was horribly sick one day and living about a 45 minutes away from me. The family, myself, my brother, my husband and my sister in law decided enough was enough that morning. She needed help and where she was living she was not getting it. My husband and sister in law left that morning to go get her and rush her down to Hackensack University Hospital. When the doctors saw her as she came in they rushed her in the back and told us we were lucky we got her there when we did she was hours from death. Her blood count had dropped so low she wouldn't have been able to sustain life much longer.They have her blood transfusions and began testing to find out what it was. I was home at this time as I wasn't feeling well at all that day and I can remember calling my mom in her hospital room and we were talking and she said to me "I don't know what it is but I really don't think I have cancer", Looking back now, I don't know if she honestly believed that or she said that to me out of fear trying to convince herself the opposite of something she allready knew without being told. I apprehensively agree'd but in the back of my mind I was fearing cancer and pancreatic as well because that morning I had been looking up her symptoms in my medical book and to my horror they all matched but I kept hoping and praying I was wrong.About 2 pm that afternoon the call came in from the stomach doctor who had been treating her and he told me that it was Pancreactic Cancer. I guess I instantly went into some kind of shock because I let out with a loud wail of pain and tears and dropped the phone. My husband finished the conversation for me. I knew what this diagnoses meant. It was a death sentance handed down in a matter of seconds. I was to call the doctor back and let him know if I wanted him to tell my mom or if I was going to do it. I was panicking, there was no way I could let a stranger tell her she was going to die and I couldn't look her in the eyes and tell her either. I didn't know what to do. So, I called my brother who wasn't home yet and spoke to my sister in law who also got hysterical when I told her what it was all about. A little bit later on my brother called back and I told him there was no way on earth I could tell mom she was going to die and I know it was a lot to ask of him but I didn't know what else we should do. She could NOT hear it from a stranger but I wasn't strong enough to do it. I was desperate. The end result was my brother told her. I still don't know what happened when he did as I wasn't there but I can only imagine the shock and terror she must have felt as well as my brother.I called my mom a little while after my brother spoke with her and all I can remember is me crying and telling her how sorry I was, I was so sorry this was happening. It was agonizing and as I write this I can still feel the agony I felt that day. The next 6 months had many changes. My mom moved in with me and my new husband. He then went and got 2 jobs and moved us into a house we rented 2 blocks away from my brother so she could be near her grandchildren which she cherrished. I took care of my mom on a daily basis, saw to her needs whatever they were at the moment, there were chemo treatments 3 times a week. We had a conversation just before her last treatment and she confided in me that she felt the chemo wasn't working, she said she could feel it spreading. Tragically she was right. We got the results of her 2 month ct scan and it had indeed spread to her liver. She came home that day and told me that she was told she had about 6 weeks to live at most. I just sat there. I felt like someone had ripped my soul from my body. Everything was out of control,I had no control, I couldn't make it better, I couldn't make her feel better, I couldn't stop it! It was REALLY happening and it was going to happen and there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.Almost 6 weeks to the day I had to come to terms with the fact that allthough I told my mom I would care for her at home I could no longer do it. She could no longer move herself and I wasnt healthy enough or strong enough to give her the care she needed. So 24 hours before she passed I contacted hospice who had only been in twice before. They came to the house around 945 am, it was a Thursday morning. Mom was in an out of consciousness. The hospice nurse told me she was fighting and I was making the right decision bringing her somewhere , where they could make her as comfortable as possible and care for her as she needed. Then the bomb dropped. My soul was literally ripped from me , I felt it go, I was handed a paper called a DNR (Do not Resuscitate) and asked to sign it. They asked me if I knew my mothers wishes and she had told me she did not want any heroic measures taken but I never thought it would be ME who would have to sign that form. I thought my mom would sign it when it came time but she couldn't, she was too out of it.. I panicked. I didn't know what I was going to do, I knew I had to sign it but how could I? What if I was wrong? Was I killing my mother? What if, what if, what if,???????????????????????????????????????????????With tears rolling down my cheeks, clutching the hand of my husband and praying to the Lord in my mind and heart asking if I was doing the right thing, I signed it.. I felt dead. I had never know what it was to feel hollow inside until that very moment. I literally thought I was going to be sick. The ambulance finally showed up and it was another very hard moment. They had to move mom onto the stretcher and by this time she was just in pain all over her body and it hurt even just to be touched and she kept saying they were hurting her and thats when my brother lost it and started yelling at the EMT's. There was so much damn commotion in that bedroom, finally, I yelled, Stop! Everyone get out!!! Get out now!!.. To which they all retreated.. I was able to camly speak to my mom and explaine to her that I know how much she was hurting and that it would only hurt for a minute or two until they got her on the stretcher and into the ambulance and then she would be OK. She agree'd. So I let the Emts back in and everything was done calmly and quietly while the police took my brother out in the back yard and consoled him.The ambulance left and my brother followed behind and got her all set up in her room and on morphine for the pain. I stayed behind for my legs couldn't hold me up. The stress and emotional pain was too much. My brother stayed with her until late that night.Friday morning I called the hospital to check on her and was told she was OK and resting comfortably and get there when I could an do it safely. It took me a bit but I got myself together and made to the hospital I guess around 12 pm. I went into moms room and there she was resting so quietly and peacefully which was a huge relief from the day before. I remember her hands being so cold, I asked her if she was cold and she said no. Sitting there was agonizing, I was watching my mother, my Mom, my best friend, my everything slip away and I couldn't stop it. The anxiety was building and I didn't know if I was going to be sick or die with her. All I can remember saying over and over in my head was , Jesus, Mary, this is so bad, this is so bad.Suddenly out of nowhere in a non religious hospital, and something I had NEVER seen before and I spent a lot of time in that hospital over the years, a NUN popped up out of nowhere. In FULL habbit no less. She spoke so softly can calmly and with an irish accent. She saw how distressed I was, my poor husband was just sitting in the chair, watching me and watching my mom and I dont think he knew what in the heck to do. The poor man was in such an awkward place at the moment, he knew how much me and my mom were both hurting. The nun whos name I never did get took my hand and said "Sweetheart, I know your mom looks like she's suffering to you, but she's not. When is the last time you and your husband went out to dinner or did anything for yourselves?" I couldn't answer because I couldn't remember. She then said "Why don't you go out to dinner tonight?, your mom isn't suffering. Would you like to receive communion?" I said "I can't, I haven't been to confession (good catholic girl to the end), she replied" that does not matter at this time" At that time she administered confession, blessed both my husband and myself on our forheads and walked over to my mom, blessed her and touched her hand and then as fast she was there she as gone. I dont know where she went, I dont remember seeing her leave. I did however feel peace, unreal peace the entire time she was there. When she left though, suddenly the pangs of anixety came back and rose like a volcano inside me. I knew in my heart the end was imminent and coming quickly, something just "told" me this was it. I had to get out of there, I was going to explode so I rushed to grab my bag and suddenly I heard a voice in my head very clearly and very loudly say "don't leave like this, you will never see her again," I turned back, I was only about 3 steps from her bed, walked over to her, took her hand, started to cry and spoke to her through my thoughts, mom hadn't said anything to that point or opened her eyes, I told her in my thoughts that if she needed to go I understood and it was OK to go and I would be OK, it was Ok for her to go and be free from this. Then I spoke to her I said "I Love You Mom". My mom opened her eyes, looked at me and I knew she was no longer there because there was a deep void in her eyes she said to me "I Love You Too."That was when I left, my legs were weak and I needed a wheelchair to get out of the hospital. The ride home was only 5 minutes and when I walked in the door the phone rang. It was her oncologist telling me she had passed. I asked when he said 415, I wasn't even out of the hospital at that time, I was making my way down stairs. I firmly believe my mom was holding on and waiting for me to leave. She never ever wanted to scare me in life and I know she knew even then, that if she had gone while I was there I probably would have never recovered from it. But it was only moments after I was gone.The next phone call I had to make was too my brother and Im so thankful he didn't answer the phone, infact he was at work and the kids were out. I spoke to my sister in law who then called everyone home and they came to my house. The next few days would be the hardest days I'd ever have to face. I had a closed casket which I let my brother pick out because I just couldn't face it. I didn't want people remembering my Mom being sick and how badly the cancer has disfigured her. I wanted them to remember her as the young, vibrant, attractive woman she was. So it was closed with her favorite picture of herself ontop. It was taken at my first wedding and she looked simply amazing that day. The first day of the wake , my brother asked me if I wanted to go in there and view her with the family, I couldn't do it. I couldnt see my mom that way, I couldn't even breath, so while they went in I sat out in the hall with my husband hyperventilating and trying desperately to compose myself. It wasn't working..I left early that day, my body was giving out on me.We only had one viewing day. The second day was to be the service which was held at the funeral home and then onto the cemetary for burrial. I thank GOD for Barbara. I had sat in the back of the funeral room the entire 2 days. I couldn't get myself to sit up infront with my family and all those people, I could't handle it, I still can't. Barbara sat in the back with me on the day of the service and held me close, she knew what was happening inside of me. If it hadn't of been for her I wouldn't have made it. At the cemetary was when I broke, I could no longer stand up so I sat in the limo on the side of the ceremony and I broke, the tears, the pain all came flying out like a volcano waiting to explode. I remember my oldest step daughter coming over to the car and holding me. I couldn't stop it.Then after the service at the grave side it was onto the repass. I stayed for a little bit and then had to leave.. At first my family couldn't understand why I had to leave the funeral home early or the repass but then suddenly someone got a clue and they understood. My sister in law said to me, "It's Ok, you did all you could the last 6 months, it's up to us now"It is now almost 7 years later and my pain today is as fresh as it was the day I lost her. Will it ever get better? I dont know. My mom was everthing to me, we did everything together, we talked about everything, nothing was taboo we had a mother/daughter/best friend relationship that only a small blessed few have. She was like half of me. how do you replace half of yourself and become whole again? I never knew what loneliness felt like until her passing. I feel lonely most of the time, I feel as if I float through life in a cloud most days. I still want to call her all the time and then the reality hits that I can't. Or I'll have a dream about her still being here and I wake up and it realize it was just a dream and the pain hits with a significant blow.I lost my dad when I was a little girl of 9 and being that young I didn't go through what I go through now with the loss of my mom allthough, I have noticed the older I get the more and more I miss my dad. SO does it ever get better? I would love to be able to say yes but at this point in my life sadly, I can't.I called the hospital about 2 weeks after everything was over and inquired about the nun, I wanted to thank her for everything she did for us that day, to my amazement I was told they dont have nuns at that hospital, I said I know an I explained what happened the day my mom was there and the woman said , Ma'am I'm sorry but there are no nuns around in this hospital.SO where did she come from? Was she sent? Was she a gift from God to us? My heart says Yes.